1 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:10,159 Wait! Hello. Cup of tea, please? 2 00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:12,519 How come he can push to the front of the queue? 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:15,799 He's a police officer. He's needed on the beat, not queueing for tea. 4 00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:17,879 He's a police community support officer. 5 00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:20,439 What's his rush? Someone dropped a Double-Decker wrapper? 6 00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:23,199 They have a higher level of custodial power than you'd imagine. 7 00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:25,839 Oh. "Higher custodial power than you'd imagine". Look at me. 8 00:00:25,840 --> 00:00:28,159 I'm the man on the Pringles tube. 9 00:00:28,160 --> 00:00:30,679 Hello, my name's Janet Street Porter! 10 00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:32,119 What are you doing? 11 00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:34,399 We're not doing impressions? 12 00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:36,799 Were you not doing a...? OK. 13 00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:39,319 So what crimes is he actually qualified to deal with? 14 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:42,759 I don't know specifics. Anyway, this is inane, like most things you talk about. 15 00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:45,879 No-one knows what police community support officers are allowed to do. 16 00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:47,879 Ask big Dave Bowers. He's a copper. 17 00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:51,880 He's a butcher, Jo. What's with the uniform, then? 18 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:54,599 It'll be anarchy when this gets out. 19 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:58,159 No. No, because no-one else is wasting their life pondering nonsense. 20 00:00:58,160 --> 00:00:59,559 Oh, it's nonsense, is it? Right. 21 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:02,439 Well, when we're in the pub tonight, if there's any police about, 22 00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:06,079 I shall help myself to beer and crisps, and if anyone questions me, 23 00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:08,999 I'll smack in the goof with a pool cue, shall I, Brian? 24 00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:11,599 Fine. Thankfully, I won't be there to see it. 25 00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:13,119 I'm not coming out this weekend. 26 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:15,559 What do you mean? Julie's taking the girls to her mum's. 27 00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:17,879 Got the place to myself. It's Friday night, mate. 28 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:19,279 It's the cider quiz. Sorry. 29 00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:21,119 I've got a weekend of sheer bliss lined up. 30 00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:23,079 Going to have me some Brian time. 31 00:01:23,080 --> 00:01:24,279 Result! 32 00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:25,759 Bag of sausage. 33 00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:28,839 Hold on to your tits - he's not coming to the cider quiz. 34 00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:30,199 Yeah, neither am I. Oh, my God! 35 00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:33,159 Got the health and beauty conference, I'm launching my new business - 36 00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:34,439 the PMT. 37 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:36,119 Don't tell me. I'll worry. 38 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:38,319 Don't leave me on my own all weekend! 39 00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:41,080 I don't like downtime. I don't like Brian time! 40 00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:44,919 COME OUT! OI! 41 00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:48,920 I'll get Bob if you're gonna muck about! 42 00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:50,999 Sir, you've got a class. 43 00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:53,319 Miss Lipsey said to come and get you. 44 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,319 Bugger off, you little grass. Dan! 45 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:59,320 Well...! All right, I'm coming. 46 00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:05,719 Oh, my God! 47 00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:09,720 Dan's boss is tiny! 48 00:02:10,052 --> 00:02:34,927 Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru. 49 00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:50,120 Jesus! 50 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:52,159 Hello? Are you all right? 51 00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:54,039 Fuck off. 52 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:55,879 Sorry? You ran me over. 53 00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:58,839 Oh, no, I didn't. You were already down. 54 00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:00,799 Liar! Honestly, you were already down. 55 00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:03,159 You DID knock him down! I saw it. 56 00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:05,559 What the fuck....?! I'm a witness! 57 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:09,560 You hit him. You will rot in prison for this, you lanky, fat weirdo. 58 00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:13,199 Get up, Dad. Jesus...! 59 00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:15,599 Oh, villain! 60 00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:19,600 Villain! Smiling, damned villain! 61 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,719 I can't wait to put you in a home! 62 00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:25,119 What a nasty boy. 63 00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:29,120 He must be punished. 64 00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:40,039 Shit, is it your birthday? 65 00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:42,759 Why would I be putting a banner up for my own birthday? 66 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:44,079 Dementia. 67 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:45,799 It's your niece's birthday. 68 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:47,919 She doesn't live here, you ludicrous old goon. 69 00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:49,599 Your sister's here with Lucy. 70 00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:53,519 We're having a birthday party for her and all her little friends tomorrow. 71 00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:55,359 Oh, no. 72 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,759 Not children! Not at the weekend! 73 00:03:57,760 --> 00:03:59,239 No, I won't allow it. 74 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:01,079 They won't disturb you, don't worry. 75 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:03,319 Your dad and I have got it all organised. 76 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:05,919 You mean the warped suicide gesture in the road. 77 00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:07,599 No. Your dad. 78 00:04:07,600 --> 00:04:08,639 Right. 79 00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:11,959 Well, I'll have nothing to do with the jamboree of screaming and piss. 80 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,799 You're not invited. 81 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:17,479 We want the kids to have a safe party. 82 00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:20,319 I could help. 83 00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:22,399 No! No, thank you, sweetheart. 84 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:26,400 Hey, I'm not offering, but if I wanted to, I could be of help. 85 00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:27,959 No! 86 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:31,960 Oh, no! 87 00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:36,799 Uncle Dan! 88 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:40,319 Oh, you horrible little scumbag, I hate you. 89 00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:42,759 It's my birthday tomorrow, we're having a party! 90 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:44,519 I know. It's going to be rubbish. 91 00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:47,039 All right, sis? Hello, Dan. 92 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:48,159 You're rubbish! Lucy. 93 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:51,119 You're rubbish, mate. You can't even drive. 94 00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:52,279 She can't. 95 00:04:52,280 --> 00:04:54,199 Can we sing the poo song? 96 00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:56,839 No, you know I don't like that song. 97 00:04:56,840 --> 00:04:59,159 Oh. Uh-oh. 98 00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:03,160 Ohhhh, the... hippo was kicked out of the zoo 99 00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:05,999 Why? 100 00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:07,559 Because he did a massive poo 101 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:08,639 Where? 102 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:10,839 He pooed on a tiger, he pooed on a mouse 103 00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:13,759 He even did a massive poo in the penguin's mouth 104 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:15,559 Uuuggh! 105 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:17,799 Ohhhh, the penguin was angry 106 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:19,800 And he spat the poo right out 107 00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:24,359 Yeah, thank you very much, Dan. That will do. 108 00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:25,839 Lucy, go and get your pyjamas on. 109 00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:28,799 I want to stay in here and play with Uncle Dan. Get going. 110 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:31,199 We can play at the party tomorrow, you idiot. 111 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:34,719 We can't. Mum says you're not invited. 112 00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:37,479 You know I hate that song. Hang on a minute. 113 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:40,759 What does she mean I'm not invited? I thought mum was joking. 114 00:05:40,760 --> 00:05:42,359 I wasn't. 115 00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:43,919 I'm not invited? Why not? 116 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:45,679 Don't make me spell it out, Dan. 117 00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:48,039 You, and a roomful of other people's kids, 118 00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:50,759 singing about animals shitting in each other's mouths. 119 00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:51,919 I don't think so. 120 00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:54,639 No, thank you! 121 00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:57,439 Oh, I suppose that lunatic's invited though, is he? 122 00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,399 Dad's doing a little show for the kiddies. 123 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,439 Now, what's happening with you and Naomi? 124 00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:03,519 Why do people keep asking me this? 125 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:06,959 She's gone. Dan... But she's such a lovely girl. 126 00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:09,719 She is an angel. Oh, reel it in, old woman! 127 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:11,759 I worry about you, that's all. 128 00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:13,879 I mean, you're a nice enough bloke, 129 00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:16,199 but I think you're going to die alone. 130 00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:18,479 I'm a nice enough bloke, am I? 131 00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:21,159 Would a nice-enough-bloke do this? 132 00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:22,239 Daniel! 133 00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:24,839 That's Lucy's favourite dolly. 134 00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:28,840 Mummy! 135 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:31,079 You know, it's nice to be needed. 136 00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:32,319 It's a good feeling. 137 00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:34,359 That little girl trusts me absolutely. 138 00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:38,360 Who needs you, Daniel? 139 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:42,479 This old prune, for a start. 140 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:46,079 Ladies and gentlemen, the personal make over tent. 141 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,479 A one-off grooming solution. 142 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:52,480 Care for a free consultancy? 143 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:57,560 Care for a free consultancy? Anyone? 144 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,959 Hi, can speak to Naomi, please? 145 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:11,159 It's a friend. 146 00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:15,160 No, I won't take part in a vetting process. 147 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:17,719 Yes, I can prove it. 148 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:19,919 She got a horrible mole like a shrunken child's face 149 00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:21,559 just inside her bikini line. 150 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:25,560 Yeah. Yes. Happy? 151 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:27,279 Yeah, I'll leave a message. 152 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:30,759 It's her dad. I've had a fall! 153 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:34,119 Ooooh! 154 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:35,799 Oh, fucking hell. 155 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:37,919 You can't resist calling, can you? 156 00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:40,399 I was just ringing to ask if she thought I was trustworthy. 157 00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:43,439 What's wrong with that? You could've asked her yourself. 158 00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:45,039 To marry you. 159 00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:49,040 What do you mean? He doesn't know, does he? 160 00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:52,119 No. What don't I know? 161 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:54,879 Naomi's coming to the party. 162 00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:56,720 Lucy's party?! 163 00:07:57,920 --> 00:07:59,679 They've invited her?! 164 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:03,680 I don't fucking believe this! 165 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,999 Now, I can see straightaway some basics we can deal with 166 00:08:07,000 --> 00:08:11,000 before we deal with the overall look. Well, I'm not sure I even want... 167 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:16,039 That has completely redefined your cheekbones. 168 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:17,479 Oh, listen, I... 169 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:19,999 You've got a little bit of mono-brow going on. 170 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,799 However, if we take a bit of weight out of the central growth 171 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:24,959 it'll help the shape of your face. I think I sho... 172 00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:26,599 I've got something from Mexico. 173 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:30,600 A product that'll sort the whole section out. 174 00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:39,520 Holy mother of fuck! 175 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:55,600 Thank you. Have a good evening, madam. Thank you. Thank you, madam. 176 00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:58,319 That must be nice. 177 00:08:58,320 --> 00:08:59,479 Beg pardon, sir? 178 00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:00,839 To be trusted. 179 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:03,439 All part of the job, sir. 180 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,119 Oh. You're not a real one. 181 00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:09,120 We were talking about you, earlier. 182 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:11,679 Sir, could you move along, please? I'm trying to do my job. 183 00:09:11,680 --> 00:09:13,519 Is it like a hobby for you? 184 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:16,719 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... 185 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:18,759 Here we go! Another joker! I was only asking. 186 00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:19,919 No, I am not full-time, 187 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:22,399 I do not have the same arrest powers - is that what you want?! 188 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:24,879 I'm just giving something back. I'm fucking sick of this! 189 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:27,319 No, no, I think you do great work. I was just wondering. 190 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:30,999 Wondering what? If I do this as my social life? Yeah, I do. Happy? 191 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,399 You look good. You look like a real policeman. 192 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:34,959 Fucking am a real policeman! 193 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:36,679 What do you think that is - Scotch mist? 194 00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:38,439 I'll radio the fucking station, shall I? 195 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:40,039 Get a fucking Black Maria down here. 196 00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:41,999 Then we'll see who's part-time, shall we? 197 00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:44,439 Get a fucking dog team down here. Is that what you want?! 198 00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:46,599 Get bitten by a massive fucking dog! 199 00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:47,999 I'm really sorry...! 200 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,959 Just fuck off out of here. I'm sick of this shit! 201 00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:53,639 Y'all right, Tony? Leave it! 202 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:56,359 What are you doing?! They're just eyebrows. 203 00:09:56,360 --> 00:10:00,360 I've got my cream here, let me sort it out. 204 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:05,640 Fucking... 205 00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:12,294 Pub. Pub. 206 00:10:33,365 --> 00:10:37,365 What has happened here? He sleeps! 207 00:10:40,837 --> 00:10:45,837 We are such stuff as dreams are made of and our little life is 208 00:10:45,882 --> 00:10:49,882 rounded with the sleep. Shall we wake him? Why ever not. But how? 209 00:10:55,362 --> 00:10:59,362 A gentle shake? No, no, no. No. 210 00:11:06,802 --> 00:11:09,761 ..the fuck is there now? 211 00:11:09,762 --> 00:11:13,762 Morning, Daniel. Time to get up. 212 00:11:36,842 --> 00:11:40,842 Oh! Here's a sight for sore eyes. Hello, Jo. How was the cider quiz? 213 00:11:43,522 --> 00:11:46,161 We came last. We just bought a shitload. 214 00:11:46,162 --> 00:11:49,881 Lucy, do you remember Auntie Joan? No. Do you want to come to my party? 215 00:11:49,882 --> 00:11:53,601 No, she doesn't and while we're on the subject, who invited Naomi? 216 00:11:53,602 --> 00:11:57,602 Naomi is my family. I am family! She dumped me. Yay! Naomi. Judas! 217 00:12:02,242 --> 00:12:06,242 I like your head. "I like your head?" I don't know how to speak to them. 218 00:12:07,282 --> 00:12:10,321 It's very nice to see you two but you'll need to go out soon. 219 00:12:10,322 --> 00:12:14,322 The kiddies will be arriving. So are you serious? I can't actually stay? 220 00:12:15,122 --> 00:12:19,122 Correct. Oh, come on. Let me do something. Please. Well... 221 00:12:20,802 --> 00:12:24,802 We do need the cake collecting. No way. Can I go? Absolutely not. Wait. 222 00:12:26,682 --> 00:12:30,682 Please let me get the cake. I really need this, Daisy. 223 00:12:34,922 --> 00:12:37,481 Go on, then. Go and get your shoes, Lucy. Yay! 224 00:12:37,482 --> 00:12:40,481 I'll go and get a booster seat. 225 00:12:40,482 --> 00:12:44,482 So, what do you like, Lucy? I like ponies. 226 00:12:45,562 --> 00:12:49,562 Wicked! I used to have a horse. What? Did you? Really? 227 00:12:51,602 --> 00:12:54,961 A horse of your own? Did you ride him? 228 00:12:54,962 --> 00:12:58,962 I tried but he went mental in the winds. We had to knacker him for glue. 229 00:12:59,242 --> 00:13:03,242 Jo! Sorry, sorry. 230 00:13:04,042 --> 00:13:08,042 My dad had to kill him because he was bad in the head. No! 231 00:13:11,842 --> 00:13:15,842 Auntie Jo is joking, Lucy. The horse is fine. I'm not. I'm not joking. 232 00:13:17,562 --> 00:13:19,921 My dad had to hit him twice before he went down. 233 00:13:19,922 --> 00:13:23,922 He bit me in the tit once. 234 00:13:24,082 --> 00:13:28,082 Good. Er... 235 00:13:29,362 --> 00:13:33,362 My cake! Look at the size of this. It's ridiculous. 236 00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:37,682 Aw, it reminds me of Duncan. Duncan the horse? Yeah. Open the back door. I'm going to put this onthe seat. 237 00:13:38,602 --> 00:13:41,441 There's shitloads of unopened letters in there. Fucking bin them. 238 00:13:41,442 --> 00:13:44,041 This weighs a tonne. Oh, OK. 239 00:13:44,042 --> 00:13:47,561 It's ridiculous. Absolute madness. How many kids is she having to this party? 240 00:13:47,562 --> 00:13:51,562 Uncle Dan, that's Naomi. What? 241 00:13:53,882 --> 00:13:56,321 Oh! 242 00:13:56,322 --> 00:13:59,801 Oh, this is perfect. 243 00:13:59,802 --> 00:14:01,761 Naomi! 244 00:14:01,762 --> 00:14:03,681 Naomi! 245 00:14:03,682 --> 00:14:06,121 Naomi! Dan! 246 00:14:06,122 --> 00:14:09,961 Did you ring my office yesterday? 247 00:14:09,962 --> 00:14:12,321 No. Look, the child. 248 00:14:12,322 --> 00:14:16,322 Yes, I can see that. Happy birthday, Lucy! 249 00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:18,161 Are you coming to my party? 250 00:14:18,162 --> 00:14:22,162 They've let me come down to pick up the cake. Right. Yes, I am. 251 00:14:22,842 --> 00:14:26,842 Looks like I'm pretty trustworthy, eh? The actual birthday child. 252 00:14:27,162 --> 00:14:30,521 We've already picked up the cake. It's gone beautifully. 253 00:14:30,522 --> 00:14:32,281 See you at the party! 254 00:14:32,282 --> 00:14:35,481 No, you can't! You can't take it! You can't take it! 255 00:14:35,482 --> 00:14:36,561 No! Oh, God! 256 00:14:36,562 --> 00:14:40,562 Lucy, you just stay there, OK? Lucy. Stay right there, OK? 257 00:14:41,122 --> 00:14:44,081 No! You can't, you can't take it! You can't take our car! 258 00:14:44,082 --> 00:14:48,082 No! Joe, what the fuck? Dan, they've taken Duncan! 259 00:14:54,802 --> 00:14:58,802 They've taken him to the car pound! I tried to tell them to stop. I tried to get them... 260 00:14:58,962 --> 00:15:01,041 Jo, what the fuck? I couldn't stop them, Dan. 261 00:15:01,042 --> 00:15:05,042 I said, stop! Don't do it! I couldn't make them stop! Calm down. Calm down. 262 00:15:06,162 --> 00:15:08,041 Breathe. Breathe. Right. 263 00:15:08,042 --> 00:15:11,361 Now why did you let them take it? They said the car wasn't insured. 264 00:15:11,362 --> 00:15:13,161 They did a random check on the computer. 265 00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:16,081 They didn't do a check on the computer. I would have had a letter. 266 00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:20,082 Have you lost my cake? What are we going to do? They're going to destroy him! No! It's all right. 267 00:15:24,442 --> 00:15:28,442 Auntie Jo is confusing your cake for a horse called Duncan. 268 00:15:28,562 --> 00:15:32,562 We've got to get him back. Poor Duncan! The car pound is miles away. 269 00:15:32,922 --> 00:15:35,241 How are we going to get there? 270 00:15:35,242 --> 00:15:39,322 You couldn't do it, could you? You couldn't just let me be for just one day. Mate, this is an emergency. 271 00:15:40,322 --> 00:15:43,321 Caused by you. I never need YOUR help, do I? 272 00:15:43,322 --> 00:15:45,361 It's always this way around. 273 00:15:45,362 --> 00:15:49,362 How is any of this my fault? I didn't know I wasn't insured. 274 00:15:52,362 --> 00:15:55,961 You always know! You MUST always know. 275 00:15:55,962 --> 00:15:59,962 You set up a direct debit and you monitor it. You get a bank statement and you check it. 276 00:16:00,122 --> 00:16:04,162 You put a note in your diary. You cross reference. You get your bank to send you confirmation which you 277 00:16:04,362 --> 00:16:07,201 put in a drawer. Check that drawer on a monthly basis. 278 00:16:07,202 --> 00:16:11,322 Put your statements in a folder in that drawer. Check your outgoings. Make sure that they are consistent. 279 00:16:11,762 --> 00:16:15,561 Never presume that your direct debit is more important to someone else than it is to you. 280 00:16:15,562 --> 00:16:19,562 Protect your earnings, check your cover, you never, ever, ever, ever get caught out! 281 00:16:30,242 --> 00:16:33,441 Don't get upset. 282 00:16:33,442 --> 00:16:37,442 You're right. Pathetic. 283 00:16:38,282 --> 00:16:41,361 You're not pathetic. 284 00:16:41,362 --> 00:16:44,201 Remember at school, we were all getting bullied by Andrew Tate. 285 00:16:44,202 --> 00:16:46,561 No-one would stand up to him but you had a fight with him, 286 00:16:46,562 --> 00:16:47,921 didn't you? Yeah, but... 287 00:16:47,922 --> 00:16:51,241 Sure, you remember that fight you had with Andrew Tate. Yeah. 288 00:16:51,242 --> 00:16:54,121 I remember you training for that fight. Running up all those steps. 289 00:16:54,122 --> 00:16:56,561 Eating raw eggs, punching frozen meat. 290 00:16:56,562 --> 00:17:00,562 And you kept shouting "Adrian, Adrian!" Get back in the car. 291 00:17:03,242 --> 00:17:07,242 No-one would stand up to him but you did. Yeah. Yeah, I did. 292 00:17:10,682 --> 00:17:13,561 Then he beat the shit out of me, didn't he, Brian? 293 00:17:13,562 --> 00:17:17,562 And then every day for a month, he came around and he shat on my mum's lawn, do you remember? 294 00:17:17,642 --> 00:17:20,321 Mum had to call the police in the end and then they made ME 295 00:17:20,322 --> 00:17:22,641 see a social worker. They said I caused it all. 296 00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:25,441 Then of course, eventually Andrew Tate got put into a home. 297 00:17:25,442 --> 00:17:28,761 And his mum had a breakdown. We would see her, do you remember? 298 00:17:28,762 --> 00:17:32,762 Walking around the town with that shopping trolley full of soil, shouting "Who likes my cocoa powder? 299 00:17:33,562 --> 00:17:36,721 "Who wants to see my cocoa powder?" 300 00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:39,281 It was awful, Brian. 301 00:17:39,282 --> 00:17:43,282 It was awful. 302 00:17:45,362 --> 00:17:49,362 OK. Bad example. 303 00:17:57,762 --> 00:18:01,762 Right. Let's get going, shall we? 304 00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:19,762 Oh, it's you. Yes, me, sir. The Supervising Officer. The last word. 305 00:18:20,682 --> 00:18:24,682 The buck. Right. What is it? ?200? Here you are. First things first, sir. 306 00:18:26,042 --> 00:18:29,641 ID, please. You know who I am. You saw me last night. 307 00:18:29,642 --> 00:18:33,642 I've never seen you before in my life. Just give him your driving licence, then. Here. 308 00:18:35,602 --> 00:18:39,602 And can you confirm your address? Chislehurst Crescent. Oh, dear. 309 00:18:40,882 --> 00:18:43,921 Looks like someone's forgot to inform us of their change of address, 310 00:18:43,922 --> 00:18:47,321 making this invalid. You've been back at your mum's for six years. 311 00:18:47,322 --> 00:18:50,681 It's got my photograph on it. But not your address. 312 00:18:50,682 --> 00:18:54,682 So it looks like my authority isn't in doubt to-fucking-day, is it? 313 00:18:55,642 --> 00:18:59,361 You don't wear a lot of make-up. Are you going for the natural look? 314 00:18:59,362 --> 00:19:01,881 I'm not allowed make-up. It's your birthday. 315 00:19:01,882 --> 00:19:05,882 A little make over wouldn't hurt. What's make over? What's... 316 00:19:06,042 --> 00:19:08,521 I'll get my stuff! 317 00:19:08,522 --> 00:19:10,041 Well, I'm not an unreasonable man. 318 00:19:10,042 --> 00:19:14,042 I'll settle for a car logbook and, um... A utility bill. 319 00:19:17,122 --> 00:19:20,521 A utility bill? Why would I have a utility bill on me? 320 00:19:20,522 --> 00:19:24,522 This isn't my house. I'm not a fucking snail. No ID, no car. 321 00:19:25,162 --> 00:19:27,961 All right. Just show me where it is so I can get my pony cake out of it. 322 00:19:27,962 --> 00:19:31,962 I'm hardly going to let a complete stranger remove a pony cake from a car that might not be his, am I? 323 00:19:32,082 --> 00:19:35,361 I really need this, mate. And I need order and people obeying the law! 324 00:19:35,362 --> 00:19:38,961 If you don't mind me saying, I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Unreasonable? 325 00:19:38,962 --> 00:19:41,962 Do you want to fucking see unreasonable? 326 00:20:03,042 --> 00:20:07,042 Well, it's over. Let's go back and face the music. I've failed. 327 00:20:07,362 --> 00:20:10,281 I've proved them right again. It's only a cake, Dan. 328 00:20:10,282 --> 00:20:14,121 Start with the big picture. No-one is going to judge you for a cake. 329 00:20:14,122 --> 00:20:15,602 Holy mother of fuck! 330 00:20:19,882 --> 00:20:23,882 I thought it was a one-off. They're all faulty. 331 00:20:24,002 --> 00:20:28,002 We need to get that fucking cake. 332 00:20:33,802 --> 00:20:37,802 Why? Dan, stop that. Get in the Scenic. You, draw her eyebrows back. 333 00:20:41,642 --> 00:20:45,641 Brian? 334 00:20:45,642 --> 00:20:47,762 Get in the Scenic. 335 00:21:10,962 --> 00:21:14,081 I don't understand. Why do you want your car in the pound? 336 00:21:14,082 --> 00:21:18,082 Where's Uncle Dan? Because unlike Dan, I had the requisite household bill. 337 00:21:20,802 --> 00:21:24,802 I always carry one, just in case. 338 00:21:25,322 --> 00:21:27,241 I don't get it. 339 00:21:27,242 --> 00:21:30,561 So all we need while I go and deal with the formalities of getting 340 00:21:30,562 --> 00:21:34,562 MY car is someone on the inside to recover the cake from Dan's car. 341 00:21:36,402 --> 00:21:37,882 Behold. 342 00:21:39,922 --> 00:21:43,922 The Trojan Horse. 343 00:22:05,802 --> 00:22:09,801 Where the hell is he? There's loads of cars in here. He must be lost. 344 00:22:09,802 --> 00:22:13,162 There he is. He's got my cake. 345 00:22:44,962 --> 00:22:48,841 Seize him, Tyson! 346 00:22:48,842 --> 00:22:52,001 Oh! Oh, God! 347 00:22:52,002 --> 00:22:56,002 Duncan! No! 348 00:22:58,202 --> 00:22:59,801 Oh, God! 349 00:22:59,802 --> 00:23:03,401 Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! 350 00:23:03,402 --> 00:23:06,121 The cake, the pony! 351 00:23:06,122 --> 00:23:09,121 Brian! 352 00:23:09,122 --> 00:23:12,961 Argh! Shit! Shit, shit, shit! 353 00:23:12,962 --> 00:23:16,962 Oh, the head! 354 00:23:35,682 --> 00:24:00,960 Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells